I:
You Can’t do that!
Sakal is sitting at the
park table, his lunch finished, his legs up, reading a book when an older man,
conservatively dressed, comes up to him.
George: Sakal?
Sakal Davidson?
Sakal: Yes? [Sakal
gets up, the two shake hands, then they sit down across from each other.]
George: I’m George,
George Wakefield; Senior Pastor at First Baptist here in town. I have heard
that you have been having a series of discussions on the issue of courtship.
Sakal: That’s
right. Are you interested in the subject?
George: Well, yes.
But I am even more interested in the hermeneutic you are using to arrive at
your, shall we say, unorthodox conclusions.
Sakal: Well, I
wouldn’t call them unorthodox… but I am also interested in discussing
hermeneutics; and would love to talk about it.
George: Well, good.
Now, I have heard a lot of the issues you have raised, and the problem I see
with your hermeneutic, is that you seem to see things which are merely stories,
or merely statements about the culture of Bible times, as commands.
Sakal: I see. So,
what would you have me do?
George: Well, we
need to separate those things which are clearly commands, from those which
aren’t.
Sakal: Then what do
we do?
George: I’m sorry?
Sakal: Once we have
selected those things which are clearly commands, and eliminated the rest of
Scripture, what are we to do? Specifically in this area, there are no commands
which say ‘thou shalt betroth’, or ‘thou shalt court, or date’. How then shall
our children be married?
George: I don’t…
well, that means we are free to do it however we feel is best.
Sakal: Hopefully
you don’t really mean as we ‘feel’ is
best. But how, then, do we determine what is right, if we eliminate Scripture?
George: I’m not
saying we should eliminate Scripture!
Sakal: So, then,
tell me, how do you apply Scripture to this problem? How do we determine what
the best thing to do is? My theology, my hermeneutic,
if you will, teaches me that the only place to look for the ‘best’ thing to do,
is in Scripture.
George: Well, of
course.
Sakal: And it
teaches me that “All Scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is
profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in
righteousness: That the man of God may
be perfect, thoroughly furnished unto all good works.”[i]
George: Yes.
Sakal: Then, it is
not merely the commands that are profitable for doctrine. God gave the examples
of the patriarchs, the Psalms, the Proverbs, even the actual language of the
Scriptures as profitable for us.
George: Yes… but…
Sakal: Yes?
George: It isn’t
like Scripture tells us everything about everything!
Sakal: No, but it
is ‘sufficient’ for the man of God, to be perfect, to be complete: to serve
God. And if it is sufficient for that, then it is sufficient for this part of
our lives.
Let me ask you, when you read a book on courtship, what do you look for? Things that sound wise? Or things that come from Scripture?
Let me ask you, when you read a book on courtship, what do you look for? Things that sound wise? Or things that come from Scripture?
George: Things that
come from Scripture.
Sakal: So, in order
to determine what is best, we have to compare… compare courtship against
Scripture. And find what Scripture really says about the various principles.
George: That’s what
we do.
Sakal: And we need
to be prepared when we find that the courtship principles are not supported in
Scripture, but something else is.
George: Well, I
can’t believe that you think the principles you are espousing are found in
Scripture. I have heard that you think fornicators should be allowed to marry!
Sakal: Well, it was
Paul’s idea, not mine.
George: Well, they
can’t marry my daughter.
Sakal: That seems
to be the attitude of most of the courtship advocates. The ‘Not My Daughter' Syndrome’.
I see at least two major problems with that…
George: Oh?
Sakal: The first is
that it seems to directly contradict I Corinthians 7. In that passage Paul keeps
saying ‘let them marry’. Now, the way that translates into English is
interesting; and meaningful. The underlying form is, of course, a kind of a
command, like ‘let us pray’… which means ‘pray now!’
But the English form comes out very interestingly, basically as a command for those who might stop something, to stop stopping it. It means ‘Let them’ marry. Allow them to marry.
So this verse should, in my opinion, be treated as a dual command. For the young man and woman, it is a command to marry. To the people surrounding them, the church, their parents, their culture, it is a command to ‘let them marry’. It says, "Get out of the way, stop creating obstacles, live up to your responsibilities and ‘let them marry’".
But the English form comes out very interestingly, basically as a command for those who might stop something, to stop stopping it. It means ‘Let them’ marry. Allow them to marry.
So this verse should, in my opinion, be treated as a dual command. For the young man and woman, it is a command to marry. To the people surrounding them, the church, their parents, their culture, it is a command to ‘let them marry’. It says, "Get out of the way, stop creating obstacles, live up to your responsibilities and ‘let them marry’".
George: Well, let
them, but not my daughter.
Sakal: Or anyone
else’s, if the courtship advocates would have their way; which is my point. Remember
what James said about sending the naked and hungry person away saying ‘be
warmed and filled’?[ii]
A ‘not my daughter’ attitude, consistently applied, is exactly the same.
God lists a wife as a need of a young man, a need just as important as food or clothing; a blessing and a gift worth far more than rubies. And yet our courtship advocates are sending young men away rejected, and with no real prospect for meeting their need. In the end the young man doesn’t get married, or get’s married far later than we would wish… as does the daughter.
God lists a wife as a need of a young man, a need just as important as food or clothing; a blessing and a gift worth far more than rubies. And yet our courtship advocates are sending young men away rejected, and with no real prospect for meeting their need. In the end the young man doesn’t get married, or get’s married far later than we would wish… as does the daughter.
George: What?
Sakal: That seems
to be the result. So many obstacles have been created that, in the end, our
daughters aren't marrying…and the most ‘perfect’ daughters seem to marry the
latest, if at all. What good is raising a perfect daughter if she is never allowed
to be a wife?
And it is illogical. If your daughter, your particular daughter, is really the absolute cream of the crop, and stands head and shoulders above the rest in purity, chastity, love, and obedience… then maybe it is precisely the least qualified young man that she should marry, in order to be the most help for him. We set the best doctors to the hardest cases, do we not?
Voddie Baucham wrote a book, “What he must be to marry my daughter.” Perhaps you should write a book, “What he will be because he marries my daughter.”
Who in Scripture would you have considered worthy to marry your daughter? Paul, the murderer? David, the adulterer? Peter, the betrayer? Paul says, “Let every man have his own wife.” Every man. Every single man.
He wrote his letter to the church at Corinth, and said they needed to see to it that every single man, and woman, in their church should be married: those that were struggling with fornication, those that were not yet struggling with fornication but might be soon, and those who merely wished for a wife… that they each should ‘marry and not burn’. Elsewhere, he denounced ‘forbidding to marry’.[iii]
And it is illogical. If your daughter, your particular daughter, is really the absolute cream of the crop, and stands head and shoulders above the rest in purity, chastity, love, and obedience… then maybe it is precisely the least qualified young man that she should marry, in order to be the most help for him. We set the best doctors to the hardest cases, do we not?
Voddie Baucham wrote a book, “What he must be to marry my daughter.” Perhaps you should write a book, “What he will be because he marries my daughter.”
Who in Scripture would you have considered worthy to marry your daughter? Paul, the murderer? David, the adulterer? Peter, the betrayer? Paul says, “Let every man have his own wife.” Every man. Every single man.
He wrote his letter to the church at Corinth, and said they needed to see to it that every single man, and woman, in their church should be married: those that were struggling with fornication, those that were not yet struggling with fornication but might be soon, and those who merely wished for a wife… that they each should ‘marry and not burn’. Elsewhere, he denounced ‘forbidding to marry’.[iii]
George: But I
haven’t trained my daughter to marry a fornicator!
Sakal: Why not? I
have. I have trained my daughter the way an army trains its new recruits… for a
battle, not a vacation. I have no idea what difficulties she might face in
marriage: an unGodly husband, life on a mission field, barrenness, even
abandonment. So my job is to train her for the worst possible scenario, the
hardest possible situation.
Look at the women of Scripture, the truly Godly women in Scripture. Which of them married the perfect man and had the perfect life? Esther, who became part of a pagan king’s harem? Mary, who was always known as a fornicator? One of the many wives of David?
It seems to me that you are seeking a life for your daughter that God hasn't called her to, and rejecting God’s commands: for her and for you.
Look at the women of Scripture, the truly Godly women in Scripture. Which of them married the perfect man and had the perfect life? Esther, who became part of a pagan king’s harem? Mary, who was always known as a fornicator? One of the many wives of David?
It seems to me that you are seeking a life for your daughter that God hasn't called her to, and rejecting God’s commands: for her and for you.
George: Those are
horrible comparisons! I want my daughter to have a happy life!
Sakal: But maybe
that isn’t God’s highest priority. I Corinthians 7, and I Peter 3, both speak
of daughters married to unGodly men, and both show them blessing their
husbands. None of us want our daughters to marry such men. We all dream of them
having the perfect, fairy tale, marriage. But none of our marriages are like
that. And in our quest for the perfect, we are missing not only the good, but God's
commands.
And it is our obedience to those commands, not the perfection of the to-be-married couple, that will lead to the ‘perfect’ marriage.
And it is our obedience to those commands, not the perfection of the to-be-married couple, that will lead to the ‘perfect’ marriage.
George: Obviously
you haven’t read what the church is beginning to say about a
‘multi-generational vision’.[iv]
Sakal: But I have.
And much of it is very Godly.
George: Well, then,
how can you justify what you are saying? If a young man is going to fit into my
multi-generational vision, he needs to be much more than a mere Christian… and
much more than merely free of lustful thoughts. He must have qualities that fit
him for my vision, qualities that raise him to the level of an elder, or a
deacon at least.[v]
Sakal: There is a
quality I think you are missing…that much of the courtship crowd is missing.
George: Oh? What is
that?
Sakal: He must
exist!
Many of the ‘multi-generational’ advocates wrote their plans with the assumption that their sons and daughters would be married at an early age. But they aren’t married. They aren’t marrying. Their fathers may have done excellent work in writing up the plan, but they haven’t done so well at the whole ‘take wives for your sons’ thing, and they are even worse at obeying the command to ‘give your daughters in marriage’.[vi]
It seems these men have multiplied their requirements for the wives of their sons, or the husbands of their daughters, and forgotten the most basic requirement: they must exist, and be available, at the right time.[vii]
Many of the ‘multi-generational’ advocates wrote their plans with the assumption that their sons and daughters would be married at an early age. But they aren’t married. They aren’t marrying. Their fathers may have done excellent work in writing up the plan, but they haven’t done so well at the whole ‘take wives for your sons’ thing, and they are even worse at obeying the command to ‘give your daughters in marriage’.[vi]
It seems these men have multiplied their requirements for the wives of their sons, or the husbands of their daughters, and forgotten the most basic requirement: they must exist, and be available, at the right time.[vii]
Andrew: [Coming over to the table with
Maydyn in hand] Pastor! Mr. Davidson! [Everyone rises and greets each other]
What’s up?
George: [Looking
curiously at Maydyn] Oh, we were having a discussion on
hermeneutics; among other things.
Andrew: How
interesting. If I know Mr. Davidson, you were being challenged!
George: I wouldn’t
put it quite like that. We were having some differences. But, you will have to
excuse me, I know you, Andrew, from that year you came to our youth camp, but I
don’t think this young lady and I have met before.
Andrew: [Grinning hugely]
Ah, well, this is my wife Maydyn, my betrothed wife.
George: [Shocked] Your
wife?! I had no idea! I must have missed the wedding announcement.
Andrew: Oh, we
haven’t had our wedding yet, just our
betrothal.
George: [Looking back and forth from
Sakal to Andrew] Then why do you call her your wife?
Andrew: [Squeezing her hand]
Because she is. Just like Mary was Joseph’s wife,
and the church is the wife of Christ.
George: That’s
entirely different.
Andrew: [With a sidelong grin at Sakal] Oh,
why?
George: We... we
don’t do that anymore.
Andrew: [Squeezing Maydyn’s hand again] We
did!
George: But, you
can’t call her your wife, people will be confused.
Andrew: I think
people are already confused, with all of this ‘fiancée’ stuff. Confused and
nervous. I know I would be.
George: Really,
why?
Andrew: Well, with
a fiancée, you are always wondering, “Will she back out of our engagement?” But
with Maydyn, she’s my wife!
George: No, not
really. You haven’t been married, you know.
Andrew: Well, I
haven’t taken her home yet, but we are in covenant.
George: Oh, you
mean… you mean you actually have your marriage license, and a pastor has
performed a ceremony? Why then do you say you haven’t married her yet?
Andrew: No, we
haven’t done any of that, we aren’t going
to do any of that. But even without that we are in covenant. Her father gave
her to me. [He looks lovingly at Maydyn,
who grins at him and squeezes his hand.]
George: But, but,
you have to do those things! You
can’t just sleep with her!
Andrew: I can now, she’s my wife. But we are going to
wait a week or so, we have some details to work out regarding the celebration
and honeymoon. Maydyn, well, she’s a woman, and she wants a celebration.
George: Oh, I
misunderstood you then. I thought you were not going to have a wedding. Who is
going to perform the ceremony and make you man and wife?
Andrew: I told you,
Maydyn’s father already ‘performed’ it. He took her hand, placed it in mine,
and said, “Take her, and let her be your wife.” Happiest moment of my life!
Maydyn: [Leaning against him] And
mine.
George: But that’s
not right! Somebody has to pronounce you man and wife at the wedding!
Andrew: Oh? That’s not
what we find in Scripture. A wedding is a celebration of a covenant already made.
George: That’s just
crazy. Nobody is doing that nowadays!
Andrew: [Decisively] We are!
George: But… well,
I suppose that is something else we will talk about. Congratulations. How long did you court?
Andrew: [Grinning] We
didn’t. Her dad wouldn’t let me court her.
George: [Looking shocked] Then how
did you… you didn’t…?!
Andrew: Sleep
with her? No, sir! Her dad gave her to me. Her dad and my dad talked and they
decided we should marry, and then they told us.
George: You mean,
"Asked you."
Andrew: Nope,
‘told us’. It was so funny. My dad came to me, sat me down, and started out,
“Andrew, as you know you are getting older…” and I interrupted him. “Who is
she?” I asked.
And he blushed, sort of, and said it was Maydyn. And you should have heard me scream with joy. I was prepared, in case it was someone else, but I had, foolishly, allowed my thoughts and actions to already turn toward Maydyn.
And he blushed, sort of, and said it was Maydyn. And you should have heard me scream with joy. I was prepared, in case it was someone else, but I had, foolishly, allowed my thoughts and actions to already turn toward Maydyn.
George: I’m glad
he chose someone you could appreciate. And you, Maydyn, how did your father ask
you?”
Maydyn: My father
didn’t ‘ask’ me either, he told me…
George: What?! He
forced you to marry Andrew?
Maydyn: It wasn’t
force. He came to me a couple of days before and we had a long talk, our whole
family did. Dad explained to us everything Scripture says about how to get
married. I knew what was coming, of course, but the other kids hadn’t heard so
much. It was good to hear it all laid out.
He explained how, if we would let him, he would pick out spouses for us… in conjunction, that is, with the father of the other boy or girl involved. I said ‘yes’ right away, and my siblings followed suit, after a few questions. Joseph, my oldest brother, was particularly interested in ‘when’… and rather excited by my dad’s answer.
He explained how, if we would let him, he would pick out spouses for us… in conjunction, that is, with the father of the other boy or girl involved. I said ‘yes’ right away, and my siblings followed suit, after a few questions. Joseph, my oldest brother, was particularly interested in ‘when’… and rather excited by my dad’s answer.
George: How can
you not call that force? He picked your husband for you! You seem very
happy with him, and that is fine, but the principle that you two seem to be
espousing is, at its root, a form of force!
Andrew: Have you
ever given your children gifts?
George: Of
course.
Andrew: Was that
force? Or do you always have your children pick their own gifts?
George: What?
Andrew: My father
gave me a gift, the gift of a wife. Maydyn’s father gave it with him. He worked
year after year preparing a wife for me, and then, one day, he gave her to me.
How is that force? Now, as for Maydyn…
Maydyn: …As for
Maydyn, her father gave her a gift, the gift of a husband!
[i]
II Tim 3:15-17
[ii]
James 2:14-17
[iii]
I Tim 4:3
[iv]
Eg: generationsof.blogspot.com
/2007/06/establishing-multi-generational-vision.html
[v]
See: www.visionforum.com /browse/product/?productid=52842
[vi]
This is a direct quote from Jer 29:6 but is also inferred from many other
passages including I Cor 7.
[vii] See I Cor 7:36, ‘if she pass the flower of her age.’
Many of our daughters are getting older and older, and have long passed ‘the
flower of their age’ and almost passed their fertility, and they still aren’t
married.
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