I: The Joint Problem.
Sakal, Pat, Maydyn, and Andrew are all sitting at the kitchen table, with the
noise of children in the background.
Pat: So, let me
resume our discussion. Mr. Davidson and I were talking about some of the
problems with having… healthy young
men and women hang out together during courtship. He challenged me, and he was right,
that I was a healthy young man when I
dated… and that is one reason why I was so impressed with courtship. But if,
umm, healthy young men and women are to get married, then, somehow, they need
to get together. And, right now, I am rather frustrated with the current
system… as, it seems, you two are.
Mr. Davidson and I had gotten to that part of our conversation, when we made it back here, and decided to invite the two of you to join us. It seems, from what I have seen, that there are a lot of problems with courtship, problems I thought we had left behind in dating. It seems that courtship works toward solving some issues, but not fully, and not Biblically. And we aren’t getting our children married.
Mr. Davidson and I had gotten to that part of our conversation, when we made it back here, and decided to invite the two of you to join us. It seems, from what I have seen, that there are a lot of problems with courtship, problems I thought we had left behind in dating. It seems that courtship works toward solving some issues, but not fully, and not Biblically. And we aren’t getting our children married.
Sakal: We do seem
to keep coming back to the same issues. That, no matter how much you try to
differentiate them, there is something at the core of both dating and courtship
that is the same, and that is wrong, very wrong. I think a good part of what’s
wrong with both dating and courtship are the ‘dates’; the ‘going out together’.
Andrew: What?!
Maydyn: What?
Pat: What?
Sakal: I’m not
saying it is the only thing wrong,
but it certainly seems to be one of them. My wife and I have done quite a
study, along with all of you. We have examined Christian Dating, and all sorts
of varieties of courtship... from the informal to the formal, the loose to the
tightly chaperoned. And all of them seem to founder on this same rock, the rock
of 'going out' or 'courting'. The young man and the young woman are encouraged
into a series of encounters, which lead them to bind their hearts together, to
various degrees... all of which are inappropriate, all of which encourage the
young man to treat his sister in the Lord as something else, something more
like a wife.
Andrew: But you
can’t get married without dating!
Maydyn: I wouldn’t
want to marry a boy who hadn’t courted
me.
Pat: How are they
supposed to know if they are supposed to get married?
Sakal: That is a
good question. How do you read it? What do the Scriptures say?
Pat: They don’t!
That’s the whole problem! The Scriptures don’t tell us how the boy and the girl
are supposed to figure out who to marry!
Sakal: Oh? Let us
see. Let’s look at the Scriptures. They are full of examples of marriage, anyway. Let’s start at the beginning. How did
Adam know who he was supposed to marry?
Andrew: That was
easy! God brought Eve to him.[i]
Sakal: And how did
Eve know who she was supposed to marry?
Maydyn: That was
easy too, God brought her to Adam.
Sakal: How about
Isaac?
Andrew: He had it easy,
too. His father sent a servant to get him a wife. All he had to do was to take
her into his tent.[ii]
Maydyn: But I don’t
know how Rebecca decided if she should marry Isaac.
Pat: She didn’t,
her father did. You remember, darling, how the servant came to her father and he,
along with her brother, said, The thing proceedeth from the LORD: we cannot speak unto
thee bad or good. Behold, Rebekah is before thee, take her, and go, and let her
be thy master's son's wife, as the LORD hath spoken. [iii]
Maydyn: But, later
on, they asked her if she wanted to marry Isaac, didn’t they?
Pat: No, not
really, you remember the mother and the servant were having an argument about
whether Rebecca and Abraham’s servant should leave right away or after a few
days and that was when they called her in and asked her if she ‘would go’.
Maydyn: So she went
because her father told her she
should go?
Pat: Yes, that’s
the way I read it.
Maydyn: Oh.
Sakal: And how did
Jacob know who he should marry?[iv]
Andrew: That was
harder. His father sent him off to the ‘old country’ to his mother’s family to
get a wife.
Sakal: But how did
he know which wife to pick?
Andrew: Well, if I
remember right, no, let me look it up: Genesis
28: 1-5 And Isaac called Jacob, and
blessed him, and charged him, and said unto him, Thou shalt not take a wife of
the daughters of Canaan. Arise, go to Padanaram, to the house of
Bethuel thy mother's father; and take thee a wife from thence of the daughters
of Laban thy mother's brother. And God
Almighty bless thee, and make thee fruitful, and multiply thee, that thou
mayest be a multitude of people; And
give thee the blessing of Abraham, to thee, and to thy seed with thee; that
thou mayest inherit the land wherein thou art a stranger, which God gave unto
Abraham. And Isaac sent away Jacob: and
he went to Padanaram unto Laban, son of Bethuel the Syrian, the brother of
Rebekah, Jacob's and Esau's mother.
Genesis 29: 9-19 … And it came to pass, when Jacob saw Rachel the daughter of Laban his mother's brother, and the sheep of Laban his mother's brother, that Jacob went near, and rolled the stone from the well's mouth, and watered the flock of Laban his mother's brother. And Jacob kissed Rachel, and lifted up his voice, and wept.
And Jacob told Rachel that he was her father's brother, and that he was Rebekah's son: and she ran and told her father. And it came to pass, when Laban heard the tidings of Jacob his sister's son, that he ran to meet him, and embraced him, and kissed him, and brought him to his house. And he told Laban all these things. And Laban said to him, Surely thou art my bone and my flesh. And he abode with him the space of a month.
And Laban said unto Jacob, Because thou art my brother, shouldest thou therefore serve me for nought? tell me, what shall thy wages be? And Laban had two daughters the name of the elder was Leah, and the name of the younger was Rachel. Leah was tender eyed; but Rachel was beautiful and well favoured. And Jacob loved Rachel; and said, I will serve thee seven years for Rachel thy younger daughter.
And Laban said, It is better that I give her to thee, than that I should give her to another man: abide with me.”
So, anyway, his father sent him to that family and told him to marry one of the girls, and he picked the pretty one.
Genesis 29: 9-19 … And it came to pass, when Jacob saw Rachel the daughter of Laban his mother's brother, and the sheep of Laban his mother's brother, that Jacob went near, and rolled the stone from the well's mouth, and watered the flock of Laban his mother's brother. And Jacob kissed Rachel, and lifted up his voice, and wept.
And Jacob told Rachel that he was her father's brother, and that he was Rebekah's son: and she ran and told her father. And it came to pass, when Laban heard the tidings of Jacob his sister's son, that he ran to meet him, and embraced him, and kissed him, and brought him to his house. And he told Laban all these things. And Laban said to him, Surely thou art my bone and my flesh. And he abode with him the space of a month.
And Laban said unto Jacob, Because thou art my brother, shouldest thou therefore serve me for nought? tell me, what shall thy wages be? And Laban had two daughters the name of the elder was Leah, and the name of the younger was Rachel. Leah was tender eyed; but Rachel was beautiful and well favoured. And Jacob loved Rachel; and said, I will serve thee seven years for Rachel thy younger daughter.
And Laban said, It is better that I give her to thee, than that I should give her to another man: abide with me.”
So, anyway, his father sent him to that family and told him to marry one of the girls, and he picked the pretty one.
Sakal: And he married
her?
Andrew: Well, sort
of. He married the ugly one first…
Maydyn: Andrew! The
Bible doesn’t say she was ugly!
Andrew: Well, it
says she was ‘tender eyed’ and I always thought that meant she was, you know,
that she had something wrong with her face.
Maydyn: Andrew!
Andrew: [Blushing] Anyway,
he married Leah first, and then Rachel, and then the two slave girls.
Sakal: But how did
he know he was supposed to marry them?
Andrew: It doesn’t
really say. Rachel he married because his father said so, and she was pretty,
and because her father said he could. Leah he married because her father
slipped her into his honeymoon tent, and then he talked him into keeping her…
and because his father said so too, I
guess, she was one of the daughters
of Laban. And then the two slave girls, his wives talked him into taking them.
Pat: Surely you
aren’t suggesting that we imitate the method of Jacob?
Andrew: Isn’t it
written that,
‘All Scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine,
for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness: That the man of
God may be perfect, thoroughly furnished unto all good works.'?[v]
Surely God must have put the story of Jacob in the Bible for a reason.
Pat: Perhaps it is
to show us what not to do.
Sakal: Perhaps. But
you will recall that we began this conversation to determine whether or not it
was true that the Scriptures say nothing at
all about the path to marriage. Even a ‘don’t do that’ would still be
saying something. Shall we keep looking?
Pat: Sure, yeah.
Sakal: So Maydyn,
those girls, how did they know whether to marry Jacob?
Maydyn: Leah and
Rachel married him because their father said so, and the two slave girls, well,
they had to marry whoever their master told them to.
Sakal: Very well,
who do we have left?
Maydyn: There’s
Ruth. She and Boaz courted!
Andrew: No, they
didn’t either. Here, let me read it to you…
Then
Naomi her mother-in-law said unto her, My daughter, shall I not seek rest for
thee, that it may be well with thee? And
now is not Boaz of our kindred, with whose maidens thou wast? Behold, he
winnoweth barley to night in the threshing floor. Wash thyself therefore, and anoint thee, and
put thy raiment upon thee, and get thee down to the floor: but make not thyself
known unto the man, until he shall have done eating and drinking. And it shall be, when he lieth down, that
thou shalt mark the place where he shall lie, and thou shalt go in, and uncover
his feet, and lay thee down; and he will tell thee what thou shalt do.
And she said unto her, All that thou sayest unto me I will do.[vi]
And she said unto her, All that thou sayest unto me I will do.[vi]
Maydyn: So, she married
the man that her mother-in-law told her to?
Pat: Sort of,
sweetheart, you see there was a law that determined who she had to marry[vii].
Maydyn: And she had to marry him?
Pat: Well, yes. You
see Ruth although she was a Moabitess not a Jewess, had deliberately decided to
obey God’s law[viii]…
including that one.
Maydyn: Wow! I
never knew that.
Pat: We could go
through the rest of the marriages, but it seems to me we are seeing a lot of
similarity between these stories, and a lot of differences with ours. The
problem that I see is that children of today wouldn’t be willing to follow the
Biblical pattern.
Andrew: Hey!
Maydyn: Daddy!
Pat: What, would
you? Andrew, would you be willing to get married like Othniel[ix]
or David[x]?
If I set you some big challenge, something you had to go out and do, some enemy
you had to conquer, would you do it?
Andrew: [Puffing out his chest]
To marry Maydyn? Sure I would, if I could. There aren’t a hundred Philistines
around to kill nowadays but, what would it take?!
Pat: Ahem. Well,
perhaps you would [He glances at
Sakal], but what of you, Maydyn? Would you marry Andrew just
because he accomplished some task I set before him?
Maydyn: If he asked
me.
Andrew: But that
wasn’t what happened in Scripture! The father set the task, and the boy did it,
and the girl went along.
Maydyn: [Looks at her father]
Yeah, I guess I would do that, too. If Daddy thought that was the right thing
to do. I’m not sure this is a fair test, though, because I already know Andrew,
we practically grew up together.
Pat: Yes, perhaps I
asked the wrong thing. Andrew, what if your father called you into his office
and talked about how he had picked this nice girl for you, and she would be
arriving tomorrow with a friend of his…?
Andrew: [After a pause] I
can’t quite imagine my father doing that, but, you know, I think I would be OK
with it, especially if it happened tomorrow. I would be, I suppose, a bit taken
aback if it wasn’t Maydyn…
Maydyn: And me,
Daddy? Would you just pick someone for me?
Pat: No, because
you have said that you wouldn’t accept someone if I did that. Not that I had considered
it before, but you have made that clear in the past.
Maydyn: I hadn’t
thought of it either! That doesn’t mean I would disobey you!
Pat: But, you always
said…
Maydyn: Because I
thought that was right! That’s what
we always talked about; that’s what I always thought I would do. I never read the story of Rebecca as if it could be me!
Andrew: I never
thought I could be Isaac. I don’t even know how to ride a camel! [Everyone glares at him. He
grins and lifts his hands. Sheepishly.]
Sorry!
Pat: But, if I pick
a husband for my daughter, or a wife for my son, how am I supposed to know if
they will be compatible; without their dating or courting or anything?
Andrew: [Chuckles]
Pat: What?
Andrew: I already
asked that, and have been thinking a lot about the answer.
Pat: Well, what was
the answer?
Andrew: First of
all, and most importantly, it seems that God has made women to be compatible
with men… or incompatible, depending on how you look at it; to be alike, but
different; to be helpmeets. So any
truly Godly woman will be a good helpmeet to any truly Godly man. Nowhere in Scripture is it written that there
exists some ‘index of compatibility’ that the couple has to have; except their
willingness to obey God and His commands about marriage.
Pat: OK, I can see
that. What was your other reason?
Andrew: Well, the
more I think about it, the more I am afraid we have it all backwards. If you
had to choose between me and my father as far as picking the right wife for me,
any person with intelligence would choose my father to do the deciding. He is
older, has more wisdom, and is less... personally involved. [Everyone stares at Andrew for a
minute, who blushes.]
Pat: I think I see
what you mean. The young man or [He
looks at his daughter.] young woman are apt to be driven by
their hormones, and their standard of beauty or masculinity; whereas the father
can be more objective, and dwell on more important issues.
Andrew: But, wait a
minute. In our earlier conversation [He
looks at Sakal.] we agreed that Scripture didn’t list all sorts of requirements
for a wife or husband?!
Pat: That doesn’t
mean that the father just goes out and grabs someone off the street.
It is a far different thing to go out and seek a wife for your son, and do the best you can for him, than having a checklist that the girl or boy must meet or there is no marriage. Let us say, God forbid, that the two of you were to get in trouble and need to marry [Maydyn and Andrew both blush crimson]. A checklist would imply that I should refuse… since Andrew has obviously demonstrated that he is not ‘up to snuff’ as far as the checklist is concerned[xi]. But Scripture, both in the law[xii] and the New Testament,[xiii] insists the opposite.
The emphasis on the checklists of the courtship advocates don’t seem to be on ‘how can I get the best husband for my daughter, but ‘how can I avoid getting an unworthy husband for my daughter.’ The end result is not a series of perfect marriages, but a series of non-marriages… of older, unmarried daughters and sons.
Abraham sent his servant out with a checklist, but the emphasis was on finding the wife, and he found one. His checklist was simple, and objective: a daughter of my people, not a Canaanite, and Isaac wasn’t to go down there to get her. And the servant found a wife, and right away.
But the modern checklists are miles long: Finances, education, doctrine… I have heard of dozens of courtships that foundered on one or another of these rocks… or simply the undefined disapproval of one of the parties. And the people on the other end, the sons or the father’s of sons, have no idea what was involved in the checklist. In the end, we are left with marriages which are either delayed or denied altogether.
It is a far different thing to go out and seek a wife for your son, and do the best you can for him, than having a checklist that the girl or boy must meet or there is no marriage. Let us say, God forbid, that the two of you were to get in trouble and need to marry [Maydyn and Andrew both blush crimson]. A checklist would imply that I should refuse… since Andrew has obviously demonstrated that he is not ‘up to snuff’ as far as the checklist is concerned[xi]. But Scripture, both in the law[xii] and the New Testament,[xiii] insists the opposite.
The emphasis on the checklists of the courtship advocates don’t seem to be on ‘how can I get the best husband for my daughter, but ‘how can I avoid getting an unworthy husband for my daughter.’ The end result is not a series of perfect marriages, but a series of non-marriages… of older, unmarried daughters and sons.
Abraham sent his servant out with a checklist, but the emphasis was on finding the wife, and he found one. His checklist was simple, and objective: a daughter of my people, not a Canaanite, and Isaac wasn’t to go down there to get her. And the servant found a wife, and right away.
But the modern checklists are miles long: Finances, education, doctrine… I have heard of dozens of courtships that foundered on one or another of these rocks… or simply the undefined disapproval of one of the parties. And the people on the other end, the sons or the father’s of sons, have no idea what was involved in the checklist. In the end, we are left with marriages which are either delayed or denied altogether.
Pat: [Looks at Sakal] I
would like to talk to you more about this, later.
[i]
Gen 2: 22
[ii]
Gen 24
[iii]
Gen 24: 50b-51
[iv]
Gen 29
[v]
II Tim 3: 16-17
[vi]
Ruth 3: 1-5
[vii]
Deu 25: 5-6
[viii]
Ruth 1: 16
[ix]
Josh 15: 17
[x]
I Sam 18: 27
[xi]
See the story about Mark and Rachel in myweb.tiscali.co.uk/ largerhope/ Courtship
%20&%20Betrothal% 20Essays/B.H.S.htm
[xii]
Deut 22: 28-9; Exod22: 16-17
[xiii]
I Cor 7: 9
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