Giving our daughters to imperfect young men

Giving our daughters to imperfect young men

God created marriage for a reason. He said that it was not good for man to be alone, that he needed a helpmeet to accomplish the dominion mandate he had been given.

Our culture, at least the courtship part of it, has made a principle out of a father’s protection of his daughter; and extended it to a prejudice toward refusing ‘imperfect’ young men in marriage toward their daughters. It is assumed, and sometimes stated, that one of the purposes of the path to marriage is the protection of the daughter; a protection which, it is implied, can only happen if imperfect and unworthy young men are rejected.

But this is not a Scriptural principle, nor is it the Scriptural standard. Far from the Scriptural emphasis being on the protection of daughters, it is on the provision of daughters: the provision of daughters to other men’s sons. And far from Scripture presenting a principle of marriage to the perfect young man; they focus and insist on the exact opposite, on the provision of a daughter to an imperfect and needy young man.

Scriptures talking about characteristics of wives speak of how their actions will help their husbands to be more godly, to be men of respect, and that the Word not be blasphemed and the image of Christ and the church, his bride be made clearer.

As harsh and unfeeling as it sounds to our ears a daughter is not seen in Scripture as a rose to be hidden under glass, but a gift to be given. Her fruitfulness is frequently mentioned, her delicate sensibilities less so. She is seen as at her best when rising to a difficult task, not when tenderly sheltered. And the entire focus of Scripture is not on her father, but on her husband. How then can it be the role of that father to refuse to give her to that husband?

 “But,” it will be asked by many fathers, “don’t I have the right to refuse a given suitor?”Of course a father does…if by ‘right’ one means power. If by ‘right’ one means, ‘is it the right thing to do?’, then it must be asked if, by denying this suitor, the number of marriages in the church is being increased. If so, then yes. A non-Christian young man can, indeed should normally, be refused. An excommunicant young man, still living in unrepentant sin, should also be refused. Marrying one’s daughter to one of these decreases the number of Godly, Christian marriages and so defeats one of the purposes of marriage.

How is it a form of obedience to God’s charge to ‘Let every man have his own wife’ to answer ‘but not my daughter’? How could God have said, “It is better to marry than to burn” and have meant that only perfect young men should marry?

James says My brethren, count it all joy when ye fall into divers temptations; Knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience. But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing.(Jas 1:2-4)

Do we not deny our daughters this joy when we are overly protective? Do we not deny them the opportunity to grow and be fruitful? We definitely deny them the blessings of being one with a husband, the delights of the marriage bed which the Lord chose to give us a whole book about.

Rebekah was blessed with the blessing: Thou art our sister, be thou the mother of thousands of millions, and let thy seed possess the gate of those which hate them. (Gen 24:60) It was not a blessing of ease or lack of pain.It was a blessing of fruitfulness and conquest. Hebrews 11 asks us to emulate and follow those who: “…Who through faith subdued kingdoms, wrought righteousness, obtained promises, stopped the mouths of lions,Quenched the violence of fire, escaped the edge of the sword, out of weakness were made strong, waxed valiant in fight, turned to flight the armies of the aliens.Women [who] received their dead raised to life again: and others were tortured, not accepting deliverance; that they might obtain a better resurrection:And others had trial of cruel mockings and scourgings, yea, moreover of bonds and imprisonment:They were stoned, they were sawn asunder, were tempted, were slain with the sword: they wandered about in sheepskins and goatskins; being destitute, afflicted, tormented;(Of whom the world was not worthy:) they wandered in deserts, and in mountains, and in dens and caves of the earth. (Heb 11:33-38 IAV)” Nowhere is it said that we should emulate those who, out of fear of giving their daughter to a sinful and imperfect young man, kept her safely home.

Indeed Christ said, to the man who hid his talent: “ Thou wicked and slothful servant, thou knewest that I reap where I sowed not, and gather where I have not strawed:Thou oughtest therefore to have put my money to the exchangers, and then at my coming I should have received mine own with usury.Take therefore the talent from him, and give it unto him which hath ten talents.” Like the talents that these servants were given, God has given us our daughters not as our own private possessions, but as gifts we are holding in stewardship as God’s gift for their husbands. Like those talents, God expects a return on His investment; a fruitful and blessed return, not a shameful and cowardly protection and hiding away.

This is the goal toward which we should be working: Listen, O daughter, and look, and incline your ear, and forget your people and your father's house. And here is the blessed return we should seek for the husband to whom we give her: Blessed is everyone who fears Jehovah, who walks in His ways. For [he] shall surely eat the labor of your hands; you shall be happy, and all is good to you. [His wife, your daughter] wife shall be like a fruitful vine by the sides of [his] house; [his] sons [your grandsons] shall be like olive plants around your table. Behold! So shall the man be blessed who fears Jehovah. Jehovah shall bless you out of Zion; and you shall see the good of Jerusalem all the days of your life. Yes, [he] shall see the sons of [his] sons [your great grandsons]. Peace be upon Israel!