Due diligence

There is no specific scripture commanding that the father must do ‘due diligence’ when searching for a bride for his son. However it is clear from Scripture that ‘any bride’ won’t do.

In the Old Testament the Patriarchs deliberately searched out a bride from among their own family or nation. Abraham and Isaac were adamant that their sons (Isaac and Jacob) not marry ‘local girls’.
In the New Testament we see the concept of faith replacing that of family. “Be not unequally yoked” we are told. A widow may marry whom she will, but ‘in the Lord’.

And more generally, Proverbs is full of injunctions to wisdom, of making wise choices. Specifically as to wives God asks:
“Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies.”
In the story of Abrahams servant, we see that, when asking God for a sign for Isaacs wife, he doesn’t ask for some foolish trivia; such as she is wearing blue, or be the first woman to come, but:
And let it come to pass, that the damsel to whom I shall say, Let down thy pitcher, I pray thee, that I may drink; and she shall say, Drink, and I will give thy camels drink also: let the same be she that thou hast appointed for thy servant Isaac;

Thus the woman that he was seeking would be a hard working, hospitable woman… two of the qualities of an excellent wife (that we see also in Prov 31).

This being said, it should not be presumed that this search was one of long years of careful inquiry. In all of the examples that we see in Scripture the Lord provided not only well, but quickly. It is our society, with the myth of ‘your match’ that delays marriage for years, promoting fornication in thought and deed, in search of ‘the soulmate’.

One important feature of due diligence is what happens long *before* the event. Have you and your wife discussed the minimum qualifications for a wife? If your son were to come to you tommorrow stating (however awkwardly) his need for a wife, would you have any idea how to proceed from there? Have you checked your ideal list against the various possibilities that exist? Or will you only be faced with reality once the issue hits? We all have an ideal list of character qualities that we would like the spouse of our child to have... but we need to check this against reality so as not to put an impossible task on ourselves.

Note: See the page 'dual consent' for another important part of due diligence.

Refered to as husband...wife.

In Scripture the betrothed couple are referred to as 'husband' and 'wife'. We see this with the examples of Joseph and Mary, Christ and the church, and in the OT law.

2Co 11:2 For I am jealous over you with godly jealousy: for I have espoused718 you to onehusband,435 that I may present you as a chaste53 virgin3933 to Christ.

Deut 22: 23 If a damsel that is a virgin be betrothed unto an husband, and a man find her in the city, and lie with her; 24Then ye shall bring them both out unto the gate of that city, and ye shall stone them with stones that they die; the damsel, because she cried not, being in the city; and the man, because he hath humbled his neighbour's wife: so thou shalt put away evil from among you.

Isa 54:5 For thy Maker is thine husband; the LORD of hosts is his name; and thy Redeemer the Holy One of Israel; The God of the whole earth shall he be called.
Isa 54:6 For the LORD hath called thee as a woman forsaken and grieved in spirit, and a wife of youth, when thou wast refused, saith thy God.
Isa 54:7 For a small moment have I forsaken thee; but with great mercies will I gather thee.
Isa 54:8 In a little wrath I hid my face from thee for a moment; but with everlasting kindness will I have mercy on thee, saith the LORD thy Redeemer.


Matt 1:18Now the birth of Jesus Christ was on this wise: When as his mother Mary was espoused to Joseph, before they came together, she was found with child of the Holy Ghost. 19Then Joseph her husband, being a just man, and not willing to make her a public example, was minded to put her away privily. 20But while he thought on these things, behold, the angel of the LORD appeared unto him in a dream, saying, Joseph, thou son of David, fear not to take unto thee Mary thy wife: for that which is conceived in her is of the Holy Ghost.

Eph 5:22 Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.
Eph 5:23 For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body.
Eph 5:24 Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.
Eph 5:25 Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;
Eph 5:26 That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word,
Eph 5:27 That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish.
Eph 5:28 So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself.
Eph 5:29 For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church:
Eph 5:30 For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones.
Eph 5:31 For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh.
Eph 5:32 This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church.
Eph 5:33 Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.



The commentaries are unanimous on this point, at least the ones I have been able to find.

An interesting point is the story of Lot. There is some question in my mind whether or not Lot had married daughters (based on the Hebrew. I haven't seen the verb tenses. Different translations translate them either as already married or betrothed.) But if he didn't, then the men betrothed to his daughters were called 'sons in law'. Gen 19:14

The father of the bride

The first responsibility to the father of the bride is to raise an obedient submissive daughter... who is prepared to transfer her submission to her new husband. Obviously this leaves two potential pitfalls:

1. She is not raised to be obedient and submissive (this would probably cover 95% of modern women) and
2. She is obedient and submissive... to her father, but is not prepared for the transfer, either because:
1. Her parents have not thought through the process of preparing her for the transfer or
2. Her parents are so caught up in their own authority that their jealousy prevents them from adequately preparing her.

I have heard stories of fathers of the bride who had/have the idea that the new groom will have to come to them and fulfill a whole series of tests and processes in order to convince the father that the are up to snuff. Besides the problem of entanglement what does this do to the new grooms authority? And to the brides ability to submit thereto?

The second responsibility is the yea/nay to the proposal. That is dealt with elsewhere.

The third responsibility is the continuation of the first... namely, now that our daughter is betrothed, how do we help her transfer her obedience and submission.

The father of the groom

6And Abraham said unto him, Beware thou that thou bring not my son thither again.
When we look at Scripture, especially the more Godly examples, we see that the father of the groom (or his representative, such as the child’s uncle, etc.) assumes his responsibility to find, provide for, or in other ways direct his son toward a bride. There exists in Scripture times where this was not done, but these tend to be a result of sin, or some breakdown in the family.
The three examples that for furthest toward providing us with a Godly pattern of moving to marriage are that of God with Adam, Abraham with Isaac, and God with Christ.

In the story of Adam God takes all of the initiative. He has created Adam. He knows his need. He expresses it as, ‘it is not good that man should be alone’. He also makes the need clear to Adam by having him name all the creatures and see ‘there was not found an help meet for Adam’. Then he caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam so that Adam was not even awake during the process in which God provides him with a bride. Upon awakening, Adam instantly accepts his bide, recognizing the significance of what God has done, saying, “This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.” Adam was given no choice, no selection of potential brides to choose from, nor did he complain fo this lack. After all, who better to select a bride for Adam than God, the creator of all things?
Similarly in case of Christ and His bride. It was God, the Father almighty, who created and ordained the church, , the bride of Christ. Paul, speaking as Gods representative, says to the Corinthian church, “For I am jealous over you with godly jealousy: for I have espoused you to one husband, that I may present you as a chaste virgin to Christ.” Christ indicates to us the nature of the process when he says to God the Father in the Garden, “While I was with them in the world, I kept them in thy name: those that thou gavest me I have kept, and none of them is lost, but the son of perdition; that the scripture might be fulfilled.” Each Christian, each part of the bride of Christ, is marked with the words ‘chosen … in him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and without blame before him in love’.

In a more human example Abraham saw the need of his son Isaac for a wife. As the son of the covenant, the child of promise, Abraham deliberately sought out a wife from his own family, sending his servant with specific instructions. Again in this story we see how God himself, acting through Abraham, acting through Abraham's servant, and through Rebecca, chose a wife, meeting Isaac's need. And we see Abraham repeating twice the injunction that Isaac not go down to get the wife himself, that he not be involved.

..or representative thereof...

One thing that happens frequently in Scripture is that some authority is missing, and another steps in to take their place. Thus an uncle, a mother-in-law, a father-in-law etc. may step in to perform a duty normally performed by the father.

Of legal age

Insofar as we can, we are commanded to obey all legal authorities; within the realm of their authority.[1] Now, whether or not laws concerning marriage are within the realm of the authority of the state is a question worth discussing Biblically; especially now that the state has begun to legalize sodomite marriage. However, be that as it may, in most states the laws concerning marriage are flexible enough to permit Biblical marriage.

First off, there is as of now no law that forces people who ‘live together’ to be what the state calls ‘married’ (and what a perversion of the Biblical Law this is). With what we call ‘married’ differing in so many respects from what the State calls ‘married’, and even differing from state to state and country to country; is it even useful to apply for state ‘marriage’?
Secondly, in many states, ‘living together’ and calling yourselves ‘husband and wife’ in front of witnesses constitutes ‘marriage’.
Thirdly, I know of no laws concerning ‘betrothal’.

All this considered, there would likely be no legal obstacle for most betrothals. However each father would need to investigate the legalities in their jurisdiction, and would need to come to the betrothal with the proper information in hand.

[1] Romans 13:1-10

Reasons for marriage
The word 'reasons' admits of two meanings:
1) What caused something to happen, what triggered it, etc.
2) What the something accomplishes in the world.

Thus, if I say 'My wife went to the store because we are out of apples'; no one (who understands women) is surprised when she comes home with a car full of groceries. The missing apples were the 'trigger' for my wifes decision to go to the store. However going to the store fulfills many functions, including the purchase of cheese, bread, milk etc.

The page 'When need so requires' lays out what we see as the fundamental 'causitive' factor in a good marriage: the spectre of fornication, and the contrary joy of sexual fulfillment in marriage. However there are other things that Scripture tells us that marriage accomplishes, such as:

1) Companionship: 'It is not good' we are told, for Adam to be alone.
2) Dominion: Adam was given a task, and Eve as a helpmeet to fulfill it.
3) A Godly Seed: the wife of the youth will, if fruitful, produce a seed which the couple can train up in Godliness.
4) A blessing on the man: 'she will do him good and not evil', 'he who finds a wife has found a good thing'.


Going through the passage in Genesis, what do we see as the original purpose(s) of marriage?

From Gods perspective we have:
1) A statement of need/deficit: ‘It is not good that the man should be alone’.
2) A statement of intention/reaction: ‘I will make a help meet for him’.
3) A statement of action/response: ‘21And the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and he slept: and he took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof; 22And the rib, which the LORD God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man.’ (Note: God performed some actions in conjunction with this that may well be part of the process. I have written only the ‘core’ here.)

From Adams perspective we have:
1) A perspective of need: ‘19And out of the ground the LORD God formed every beast of the field, and every fowl of the air; and brought them unto Adam to see what he would call them: and whatsoever Adam called every living creature, that was the name thereof. 20And Adam gave names to all cattle, and to the fowl of the air, and to every beast of the field; but for Adam there was not found an help meet for him.’
2) The reception of an action:T ‘21And the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and he slept:: and he took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof; 22And the rib, which the LORD God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man.’
3) His response to Gods action: ‘23And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man. 24Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.’

And then the reaction of the couple was: ‘25And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed.’

When need so requires

15 Drink water from your own cistern, 
running water from your own well.

16 Should your springs overflow in the streets, 
your streams of water in the public squares?

17 Let them be yours alone, 
never to be shared with strangers.

18 May your fountain be blessed, 
and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth.

19 A loving doe, a graceful deer— 
may her breasts satisfy you always, 
may you ever be captivated by her love. 
Proverbs 5 15-19

This section will most probably be among the most counter-cultural of all: standing against not only the prevailing culture of the day but most particularly against the ‘conservative’ Christian subculture that would make up most of the audience for a proposal such as I am making. But, my hands are tied… I have bound myself to speak what the Scripture speaks, not in accordance with popular opinion. In I Corinthians 7 in the traditional Pauline fashion God lays out for us the power that resides in God's gift of celibacy (becoming a eunuch for Christ) along with the reasons for and power of the much more common gift of marriage. In the face of our church's belief that a young man can be sexually pure through diligent prayer, hard work, and/or a powerful will: God provides a contrary plan:

“Nevertheless”, we are told, “to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband.” 

Furthermore, He goes on to say, “3Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband. 4The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. 5Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency. “ 

Similarly Paul says we should defer to admit younger widows as widows, as they wax wanton and marry, and instead he says:

"14 I will therefore that the younger women marry, bear children, guide the house, give none occasion to the adversary to speak reproachfully."

Many commentators would seem to indicate that a young man or woman who is struggling with sexual temptation is not a fit object for marriage. God, speaking through Paul, reminds us of the exact opposite: that the proper focus, the proper outlet, the proper release of sexual desire is to be found in the marriage bed. Far from being a mark of immaturity, the actions of a young man who, finding himself beset with sexual temptation, seeks consummation in marriage, is actually the proper Biblical response.


And, Scripturally, it is not even the responsibility of the young person to be thinking about this issue. It was God who first said 'it is not good for man to be alone'(Gen 2:18). It was God who chose us for Christ(2Cor 11:2). It was Abraham who sent the servant away(Gen 24).


Consider the contrary case. It was Esau, when he was 40 years old, that (his need having been ignored?) sought out and married two women of the Cannanites... who were a grief to his parents(Gen 26:34-35,27:46, 28:8-9). Jacob was directed, and Jacob went(Gen 27-30). And yet Jacob (unlike Isaac) went without the proper provision for getting a wife, and was forced to work seven years for her, and tricked into the bargin... with the end result that his marriage was polygamous, the relations were strained with Laban, the relations bitter between the wives and their children. Could Isaac or his servant have been tricked in the same way if, at the proper time and with the proper provision for bride price, they had gone for the negotiations? Would Jacob even have been envious of the prettier Rachel if he had never seen her, if his father had brought back Leah?

If Isaac had, when Esau was 17 instead of 40, sought out a wife of the proper family, would Esau still have felt compelled to seek out two Cannanites years later?

See the page 'Reasons for marriage' for how this 'reason' fits into the other 'reasons'.

The Purpose of the Covenanting Community

In saying ‘we come together’ for the purposes of… Betrothal and Marriage we are not proposing something distinctly Biblically mandated. We are instead combining several Biblical principles and ideas. We see Abraham and Isaac having, for his betrothal ‘reservoir’, his family. We see God mandating for Israel that they marry within Israel and even within the clan. And we see the believers in the New Testament coming together for fellowship, giving them a similar reservoir.

Yet in our modern day the church does not serve as a similar reservoir. First of all, most of our churches consist of a mix of social and serious Christians… those who have accepted the Lordship of Christ and those who do not even acknowledge that He has any authority. Secondly, the nature and authority of betrothal has been so long hidden that few if any in the modern church would even understand the nature of the question that Abraham's servant put to Laban and Bethuel[1] let alone be prepared to answer it as they did[2].

So we propose that we need such a community. A community of families that have bound themselves together to be prepared to give such an answer, and ask such a question; and who understand the meaning of both. By forming this community we prepare ourselves to participate in Betrothal and Marriage. This community should consist of those both near and far: not a commune where all must live together. But a community bound by their covenanting together.

[1] Gen 24:49

[2] Gen 24:50-51

Pattern and Precept

Php 3:17 Brethren, be followers together of me, and mark them which walk so as ye have us for an ensample. 18 (For many walk, of whom I have told you often, and now tell you even weeping, that they are the enemies of the cross of Christ: 19 Whose end is destruction, whose God is their belly, and whoseglory is in their shame, who mind earthly things.) 

In Scripture we learn things via two methods: Pattern and Precept. Precept is fairly easy to understand, even where it might face a series of objections. “Thou shalt not commit adultery”(Ex 20) strikes pretty much every Christian as a command they need to face; even where ‘I do not permit a woman to teach’(1Tim 2:12) might run into the fog of political correctness.

However the role of ‘pattern’ is less clear. Obviously we do not take our marching orders from everything anyone did in Scripture. However it is equally clear in Scripture that the actions of Godly men and women are to serve in many ways as rules for our own behavior. “Have you not read as this,” Jesus challenged the Pharisees, “What David did when he was hungry…?”(Mt 12:1-8) Peter tells wives to, “be in subjection to their own husbands…” explaining that this was how, “in the old time the holy women… adorned themselves” with Sarah having “obeyed Abraham, calling him lord…”(1 Pet 3: 1-6).

So when we look to how to get wives for our young men, and determine who to give our daughters to, we need to not only look to the precepts laid out in Scripture, but the pattern that holy men followed.

We see in Scripture many people getting married; but we see remarkably few examples of the process. We are working on a page called 'all the marriages in Scripture', but for detailed examples there are remarkable few.

The three key examples that we have as primary are that of:
1) Adam and Eve
2) Isaac and Rebekah
3) Christ and the Church
Each of these marriages illustrates the principles we are espousing here, and pointing to as normative.

Some examples may be normative, but lack some details:
1) Joseph and Mary
2) The father in the parables of the marriage feast




Other examples (a partial list), that we have as secondary, or oppositional are:
1) Samson and the Philistine woman
2) Jacob and Leah/Rachel/Bilhah/Zilpah
3) David and his wives
4) Dinah and Shechem

Each of these examples, while having perhaps some positive traits, differs from the normative in signifigant ways, with the expected results.

Some marriages in Scripture fall outside of the questions we are asking here, for example:
1) Ruth and Boaz
2) Onan and Tamar
3) Esther and Xerxes
The first two of these are levirate marriages, and thus outside of the question we have here(that of never married before) (leaving outside the continuing validity of levirate marriage, which we don't address), The third follows a common pattern (we could add Sarah and Pharoh, etc.) of 'kingly' marriage; where a king has the authority to compel a girl to marry him.


A series of binaries:

In examining the role of pattern and precept in the act of marriage, there are a series of binary propositions that need to be dealt with; and the Scriptural pattern/precept discerned:

1) Is it the role of (the father) or (the son) to choose and/or seek out a wife?
2) Is it the role of (the father) or (the daughter) to evaluate a given proposal?
3) Is the initial acceptance meant to be (irrevocable) or (a statement of direction).
4) Is a wife (a necessary part of) or (an addition to) a young man's life?
5) Is the emphasis to marry (in youth) or (when we are prepared)?

Betrothed to the Son

For I am jealous over you with godly jealousy: for I have espoused you to one husband, that I may present you as a chaste virgin to Christ.
2 Corinthians 11:2

A common problem when coming to Scripture is that one comes with the pattern of one’s own culture firmly imprinted.[1] This blocks/inhibits our ability to understand Scriptural pattern and precept in its proper context. This becomes more evident when one has traveled, and read stories, and has seen how other cultures have frequently misheard, or misinterpreted.

I once heard the story of a certain people who were originally convinced that the event of Jesus healing the paralytic lowered through the roof actually contained two miracles. Their second miracle was that of Jesus healing the paralytic (physically and spiritually) the miracle that we all recognize. Their first miracle, the one that was due to their misinterpretation of the cultural context, was that of the paralytic’s four friends being able to stand on the roof. It seems, that in their culture, roofs were so steeply pitched that it would be all one man could do to cling to the rooftop… it would be humanly impossible for four men carrying a stretcher to stand on the rooftop, dig a hole and lower some one down through it.... thus it must have been a miracle!

A similar misinterpretation, albeit more subtle, occurs when our culture looks at the verses concerning betrothal (espousal) and marriage, or even verses containing the words 'husband' and 'wife'. Our culture over the years has arrived at a cultural pattern of betrothal and marriage that differs significantly from the biblical pattern and even that of many other cultures in the world today, and our use of words reflects our pattern. Our society has taken the betrothal vows and brought them up in time to the very day of marriage; with the result that the most time that a modern couple could be said to be ‘betrothed’ (and yet not married) would be during the drive from the church to the hotel. And even then the couples would probably be surprised if anyone was to mention this to them.

We have replaced the former concept of a ‘betrothal period’ with ‘engagement’. The differences between these two are subtle, but rather serious. We the Church of God are currently betrothed to Christ. We have been pledged to Christ our husband with an everlasting oath by God the Father. We did not initiate this process, God did.

We are not ‘engaged’ to Christ. To be engaged in our modern culture is to be ‘planning on something’. You and the other person have gotten together, thought about it, and decided that marriage is probably a good idea.

This is not our relationship with Christ, God the Father before the earth was formed, decided upon our inevitable marriage to Christ and has throughout history been working inexorably toward that purpose.

Jesus prayed:

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12While I was with them in the world, I kept them in thy name: those that thou gavest me I have kept, and none of them is lost, but the son of perdition; that the scripture might be fulfilled.

The church has been given to Christ by God the Father, espoused to him eternally via the action of the gospel. We see a picture of that betrothal in Ephesians 5:

25 Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; 26That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, 27That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish.

For most of us this verse, at first blush, seems to apply to those who are already fully married (ie betrothed AND consummated); but a closer reading shows that the tense of verse 27 is *future*... 'that he might present it to himself'. This presentation is in the future. Thus we are right now being loved by Christ, our husband; right now being sanctified and cleansed... while we await our consumation at the marriage feast of the lamb. And our role right now is to be subject to Christ in everything, as it is written:

24Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.

We also see our betrothal presented in:

2Co 11:2 For I am jealous over you with godly jealousy: for I have espoused you to one husband, that I may present you as a chaste virgin to Christ.

[1] Romans 12:2

Pledging ourselves to obey God as revealed in His Word.

Eze 2:7And thou shalt speak my words unto them, whether they will hear, or whether they will forbear: for they are most rebellious.
Joshua 1:7 Only be thou strong and very courageous, that thou mayest observe to do according to all the law, which Moses my servant commanded thee: turn not from it to the right hand or to the left, that thou mayest prosper withersoever thou goest. 8This book of the law shall not depart out of thy mouth; but thou shalt meditate therein day and night, that thou mayest observe to do according to all that is written therein: for then thou shalt make thy way prosperous, and then thou shalt have good success. 9Have not I commanded thee? Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the LORD thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest.

This concept is the linchpin around which this entire concept must resolve. We will never accept or even look for the Biblical method in anything if we are not willing to accept what Scripture has to say. We will never be willing to do the analysis, to make the changes, unless we are willing to accept God at his word.

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Do we? Do we accept God at His Word? Are we willing to accept His foolishness over our wisdom?

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1Co 3:18 Let no man deceive himself. If any man among you seemeth to be wise in this world, let him become a fool, that he may be wise.1Co 3:19 For the wisdom of this world is foolishness with God. For it is written, He taketh the wise in their own craftiness.1Co 3:20 And again, The Lord knoweth the thoughts of the wise, that they are vain.

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Are we willing to search his Word to see what we need to do, to see how we need to live? Are we willing to trust him in this area?

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2Ti 2:15 Study to shew thyself approved unto God, a workman that needeth not to be ashamed, rightly dividing the word of truth.

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Are we willing to obey Gods commands? Or will we stare them in the face and ignore them?

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Jas 1:22 But be ye doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving your own selves.Jas 1:23 For if any be a hearer of the word, and not a doer, he is like unto a man beholding his natural face in a glass:Jas 1:24 For he beholdeth himself, and goeth his way, and straightway forgetteth what manner of man he was.Jas 1:25 But whoso looketh into the perfect law of liberty, and continueth therein, he being not a forgetful hearer, but a doer of the work, this man shall be blessed in his deed.

Dating no more

It hardly needs any exposition that a certain part of the church has realized the sinful nature of dating. It is pointed out in several places that dating is basically practice for divorce: the child picks a partner, tries her out, she doesn’t quite fit, he drops her (or she drops him) and goes on to someone new.

As well the current dating relationships generally place an emphasis ondetachingthe proper authorities from the dating relationship. Dating is considered to be the province of the young people involved, who are supposed to need their 'privacy'. Parents may be asked for their opinion on the relationship, but the world screams at them that 'it is the kids decision' and holds the threat of calling them 'old fashioned' and 'domineering' over their heads.

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Dating currently 'ends' with a vague relationship called 'engagement'; a relationship that can be 'called off' by either party at any time for any reason; a vague and ephemeral covenant.

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All of this is a far cry from the kind of relationships that Scripture tells us to have.[1]

Contrast this with the marriage of Adam: a marriage created by God Himself. A marriage without any ‘dating’, no ‘forming friendship’. They meet, and they are immediately ‘one flesh’. Contrast it with the marriage of Isaac; a marriage arranged by his father, a marriage without any relationship at all between the young people until they were alone together in his mothers tent in the process ofconsummatingthe marriage. Contrast it with the marriage of Christ; betrothed from before the foundation of the world to his bride the church; currently washing us in the water of his word as we await the marriage supper.

A Biblical relationship has the following aspects:

1. It is permanent based on a choice of the will. Even Biblical friendships (see Jonathan and David, for example) between Godly men are marked by a solid, permanent commitment.
2. It is designed to glorify God.
3. It follows one of the patterns put forth in Scripture. Man to man relationships are either authority based (king to servant, father to son, etc.), or friendship. Man to woman relationships are family relationship based (husband/wife, brother/sister, etc.)
4. A Biblical relationship is based in purity, and is a foundation for further purity.

The worlds current, unBiblical relationships have the following aspects:

1. They consist of temporary, feeling based relationships.
2. They exist to glorify self, or make the people involved ‘happy'.
3. They ignore the patterns set in place in Scripture, denigrating them as ‘outmoded’ or ‘sexist’ etc. They replace them with concepts of 'friends' and 'boy/girl friend' and 'fiance'.
4. They create a series of relationships that are mentally adulterous, and are a form of practice for later adultery.

No obedience to Scriptural pattern and precept can, by itself and without the work of the indwelling Holy Spirit, aid in righteousness. However we are called, as part of our love for God, to obey his commands; and his commands, by the power of his spirit, will lead us in righteousness.

Some specific references:

http://www.bibletopics.com/BibleStudy/92.htm
http://polynate.net/books/courtship/part7.html
http://www.boldchristianliving.com/articles/youthful-romance/comparison-chart-of-dating-courtship--scriptural-betrothal.html

[1] Song 8:6-7

The Covenant

Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the LORD. Prov. 18:22 (KJV)

Whereas the Christian Community has at long last come to realize that dating and its attending cultural manifestations are a source of great evil;

And whereas we have pledged ourselves to obey God as revealed in His Word[1];

And whereas God, in betrothing Christ to us, His Church[2], and in myriad other Scriptures has revealed to us pattern[3] and precept[4] which we are to follow in betrothal and marriage;

Therefore we come together in community[5] and covenant ourselves together to teach, to obey, and to enforce the following principles which represent our best understanding of what God has laid out for us in His Holy Word concerning the nature and meaning of Betrothal and Marriage:

We hold that betrothal as a binding covenant involves the following parties:

1. A Father[6], or representative thereof[7], of a man of legal age to be married.[8]
2. A Father, or representative thereof[9], of a woman of legal age to be married. [10]
3. The man and woman[11] of legal age to be married [12]
4. A covenanting community.[13]

We hold that betrothal as a binding covenant involves the following act:

A formal oath or set of actions which create(s) a permanent covenant relationship, dissolvable only by divorce[14] or death[15], and implying eventual marriage, 

We hold that betrothal is a binding covenant involves the following relationships:

1. a husband who is:

a. referred to as the husband of his wife[16], and
b. having authority over his wife[17] in all matters except physical[18], and who is
c. under the authority of his father[19] in all matters not pertaining to his wife[20], and who is
d. responsible for ‘washing his wife with the word’[21], specifically

i. the word of God,[22]
ii. his interpretation thereof[23], and 
iii. his commands concerning it[24]

2. a wife who is:

a. referred to as the wife of her husband[25], and who is,
b. under the authority of her husband[26] in all things but physical[27] and who is,
c. responsible to her husband to be learning his will[28]

3. the father of the Groom who is:

a. referred to as “father[29]” by both the husband and wife, and who is
b. responsible for continuing to train his son in the ways of the Lord, and is
c. responsible for allowing and encouraging the husband to begin assuming his responsibility over his wife

4. the father of the Bride who is 

a. referred to as “father” by both the husband and wife, and who is
b. responsible for continuing to train his daughter in the ways of the Lord, and is
c. responsible for allowing and encouraging the husband in his responsibility over his wife

5. the mothers of the bride and groom are 

a. responsible as helpmeets to their husbands and are
b. referred to as “mother” by the husband and wife and are
c. responsible as older women[30] to teach wife to love and obey[31] her husband

We hold that betrothal as a binding[32] covenant involves the following process:

1. That the father of the man shall, when need so requires[33], and with all due diligence, seek out the woman who he believes the Lord would have for his son, come to the father of the woman in an attempt to get her as wife for his son[34]. And he shall make request of him adding any current obstacles and any gift which he proposed to make for the marriage;
2. That the father of the woman shall, after diligent but brief inquiry and consultation, accept or reject the proposal adding any obstacles or conditions, and any gift which he proposed to make for the marriage;
3. That if the father of the woman shall accept the proposal without conditions, the man and woman shall be considered betrothed.
4. That, the father of the man shall, if there be any obstacles or conditions, accept or reject them and
5. That if he shall accept them, or if they shall be agreed on a new set of conditions, the man and woman shall be considered to be betrothed.
6. That once the agreements have been made the father of the bride, and the father of the groom shall make a formal vow to seal the betrothal, and
7. The bride and groom shall begin to act according to their new roles as husband and wife, and according to the terms of the agreement.
8. That the groom shall, following the fulfillment of the terms of the betrothal, at the hour of his choosing, come for the bride.

We hold that marriage as a binding covenant involves the following parties:

1. A Husband
2. A Wife
3. A Covenanting Community

We hold that marriage as a binding covenant involves the following act:

A formal oath or action which continues and confirms the permanent covenant relationship, also dissolvable only by divorce or death, leading to immediate full physical union, with a goal of producing godly children.

We hold that marriage as a binding covenant involves the following relationships:

1. A husband who is completely responsible for his wife and children as their head and spiritual leader, whose body belongs to his wife[35], who is responsible to honor and obey his parents in keeping with his responsibility to God and his family.
2. A wife who is responsible to her husband, and whose body belongs to him[36].
3. The father of the husband, who continues to have responsibility over his son.
4. The father of wife, who has passed his authority over his daughter to the husband.
5. The mothers of the husband and wife, who are responsible for teaching the bride: Titus 2
6. A covenanting community

We hold that marriage as a binding covenant involves the following process:

1. A betrothal period whose conditions have been fulfilled
2. The husband comes for the wife
3. Oaths and vows are taken (or the betrothal vows are confirmed) or other actions perfomed by the husband, wife and/or covenanting community which signal the beginning of the marriage relationship.
4. Full physical union immediately follows.
   

Thus we will teach, thus we will obey, and thus we will enforce, so help us God.

[1] Romans 12:2, Acts 5:29, I Tim 3:16, Josh 24:10, Psalm 119, Psalm 19, Joshua 1:8-9, Acts 17:11

[2] Eph 5, I Peter 3, Hosea ‘betrothed’

[3] ‘Even as Sarah, Jer 35

[4] Husbands Love your wives

[5] Gen 24:4, Unequaly Yoked

[6] Gen 24:2-9 , Gen 2, Isaac, Eph 6

[7] Gen 24:2,

[8] Rom 13:1

[9] Ruth 3:1, Gen 24:50

[10] Rom 13:1

[11] Gen 2

[12] Rom 13:1

[13] Gen 24:4, II Cor 6:14

[14] Matt 1:18-19

[15] Rom 7:2

[16] Matt 1:19, Eph 5, Mary and Joseph (Luke 2:5 ‘his espoused wife), Adam and Eve (Gen 2:23-24)

[17] Eph 5:22; Col 3:18; 1Ti 2:9-15;; 1Pe 3:1;
Eph 5:22-24

[18] Matt 1:18

[19] Eph 6:1-3, Rom 1:30 “disobedient to parents’

[20] Jer 35, Deut 21:18-21, Prov 30:17

[21] Eph 5:26

[22] Eph 5:26, Joshua 24:15,

[23] I Cor 14:35

[24] Numbers 30:6-8, Joshua 24:15

[25] Matt 1:19

[26] Eph 5:22-24

[27] Matt 1:18

[28] Eph 5:26, I Cor 7:34, I Cor 14:35, Gen 3:16,

[29] Ex 21:9, Gen 37:19

[30] Titus 2:4-5

[31] 1 Peter 3:1-6, Titus 2:4-5

[32] Matt 1:18-20

[33] I Cor 7:2

[34] Gen 2:22, Gen 24:1-4, Jer 29:4-6,

[35] I Cor 7:4

[36] 1 Cor 7:4

Definitions

Terms specifically advanced:

Betrothal: Betrothal is any oath, statement [1], or action which binds a man and woman into a permanent covenant relationship, dissolvable only by divorce or death, implying eventual physical union. When betrothed the couple refer to each other as husband and wife. Physical union ends the betrothal and begins the marriage proper. (We are using the word synonymously with 'espousal'; the difference merely the translation from the Hebrew vs the Greek.) A betrothal needs the father of the bride or his representative to be valid.

Covenant Community: We are using this term to mean a group of people, particularly heads of households united in the faith, who have bound themselves together by an agreeing oath to behave in certain ways, in this case to act as our covenant requires.

Marriage: Marriage is, at a minimum, a permanent commitment to physical union between a man and a woman with a goal for raising obedient children.

Marriage as modeled by our relationship with Christ is much more than this. It includes not only the physical union (which models our spiritual union with Christ) but also a spiritual union where the husband continually washes his wife and household in the water of the Word, a social union where the family acts together for the wellbeing of the family, and even a generational union where each generation passes physical and spiritual wealth from generation to generation.

Obey: To immediately and cheerfully carry out the expressed and unexpressed wishes of those in authority over you in the area of their authority.

Pattern: An original or model proposed for imitation; the archetype; an exemplar; that which is to be copied or imitated, either in things or in actions; as the pattern of a machine; a pattern of patience. ex: Christ was the most perfect pattern of rectitude,patience and submission ever exhibited on earth. (Websters 1828 Dictionary)

Precept: In a general sense, any commandment or order intended as an authoritative rule of action; but applied particularly to commands respecting moral conduct. ex: The ten commandments are so many precepts for the regulation of our moral conduct. (Websters 1828 Dictionary)

Submit: To voluntarily and cheerfully place yourself within the hierarchy God has ordained for you.


Other Terms:

Arranged Marriage: A process that may involve a form of betrothal. We would make the distinction between the historical form of 'arranged marriage'; which involves a distinct goal of benefiting the parents (via a political match, questions of money, etc.) and what we are naming 'The Covenant of Betrothal' in this paper; which has as its goal to glorify God, continue the goals of the family, and benefit the couple concerned.

Courtship: A much more structured form of dating, this term that has been latched onto by many in the Christian Home-School movement to define an alternative method of pairing their young men and women with the prayer that it leads to a Godly marriage. The editors of this document eschew this term as; A) unscriptural, B) in spite of the changes ends up being really a form of dating that, while moving in a more Biblical direction (including, for example, much more parental involvement, and usually prohibiting most sexual contact before marriage, often by means of chaperoning), nonetheless preserves some of its essential features in contrast to their Biblical alternatives.

Typically courtship involves the young man approaching the young woman's father for permission to 'court'. If approved, the young people then engage in a series of activities to see if this relationship is 'the right one'. If all concerned agree the relationship is 'right' then the couple proceeds to marriage.

Dating: A form of arranging a marriage in which the children themselves take the lead role, and in which the parents may play little if any part. Usually the parents are denied even a veto over the proposed marriage. It usually involves multiple 'trial relationships' which may or may not include full physical union prior to 'marriage'.

Engagement: An agreement to be married; in modern cultures an engagement can be broken at any time by either party: one of the key differences between it and betrothal. During the engagement the couple refer to each other as 'fiance' and 'fiancee'. Usually the engagement is formed solely by the couple themselves.

Rights: The term rights has two differing definitions; what might be called *negative* rights, and *positive* rights. Negative rights, as in 'you may not do this to these people' have some justification in Scripture. Positive rights are like 'right to health care' and actually put a burden on someone else; these have little if any justification.

Single: A word used in todays culture to refer to a wide variety of people; including widows, virgins, fornicators, etc. In distinction with 'virgins' or 'unmarried' it leaves out their actual state, and adds a connotation of 'without family'... which connotation stands in opposition to Biblical standards. There are no singles. There are the virgins living under their fathers authority (or his replacement), there are widows, etc.... but there are no 'singles'.

=============================================================

Note: While we would disagree with some aspects, Jonathon Lindvall's chart about dating, courtship, and betrothal is a useful resource for some of these terms. Similarly, Israel Wayne has a good list of definitions.

[1] cf. Gen 24:50, Gen 29:18,19, II Sam 3:14, Matt 1:18, II Cor 11:2

References: http://dictionary.christianpost.com/definition/betroth.htm

Introduction

Thus saith the LORD, Stand ye in the ways, and see, and ask for the old paths, where is the good way, and walk therein, and ye shall find rest for your souls. Jeremiah 6:16 (KJV)

For a sometime now, many people in the church have been challenging the wisdom of the worlds current fashion for coming to marriage. We have seen the results, and we are not impressed. Then we look into Scripture, and we see large differences between the worlds methods and what is written there. On this subject much has been written, much has been said, but little has been fully agreed on.

So we have begun a study of Scripture, looking at the path to marriage, and attempting to find Godly principles and patterns. For the purposes of this document we have focused specifically on the path to marriage for unmarried virgins under no obligation (ie we do not deal with levirate marriage, 'kingly' marriage, or the marriage of widows etc.). Unmarried virgins who, hopefully, are still living under the authority of Godly fathers. We do not wish to ignore the other problems the church faces; widows, children in rebellion, abdicating parents, etc. But we have to start somewhere.

We are proposing that we form a covenanting community that agrees to proceed toward the marriage of their sons and daughters in a Biblical fashion. And we propose this document, particularly the part entitled 'The Covenant of Betrothal', to represent that agreement..

In summary we are proposing that what the Scriptures teach as far as the road to marriage is this:

1. It is God who creates and sustains all things; who guides and directs our lives. We cannot, through our own efforts, work out anything concerning our own or anyone else's marriage. However we are responsible before God to follow the pattern and precept He has laid down for us in this, as in any other area.
2. That the responsibility for finding a wife for our sons belongs principally to the father of the son [1]; along with such representatives as he may choose [2], or such replacements as may be necessary; and does not belong to the son himself. This finding should happen at a young age.
3. That the responsibility for saying "yes", "yes with conditions", or "no" to any proposal belongs to the father of the prospective bride, or such replacements as may be necessary; and does not belong to the daughter herself.
4. That this process involves meeting a need of our young men and women, and serves the overall goal of generational faithfulness in the church: and is not an issue of finding ‘the perfect mate’, their ‘soul mate’ or any such modern invention.
5. That marriage should involve an initial period, called in Scripture, ‘betrothal’, in which the young man prepares himself for marriage, establishes his authority over his newlybetrothed wife, and where the wife prepares herself for marriage.
6. That marriages of the faithful must be ‘in the Lord’.
7. And that forming a community of believers that hold to the same faith regarding betrothal and marriage will provide a ‘family’ in which such marriages can more successfully happen.

When this document has reached an acceptable level of ‘finality’ it is proposed that it be printed, distributed, and the part called 'The Covenant'signed.

[1]Gen 2:18-21,

[2] Gen 24

Home page

The Covenant of Betrothal

-Exploring the Scriptural Pattern and Precept surrounding issues of dating, courtship, betrothal and marriage.

...choose you this day whom ye will serve; ... but as for me and my house, we will serve the LORD. Joshua 24:15 (KJV)

We are looking for a few good men. Men who are dedicated to serving God. Who have taken the responsibility of leading their families in serving the Lord.

Specifically men who are willing to look at the issues concerning marriage in Scripture. How is a young man to find a wife; assuming that young man and his parents desire to serve the Lord and follow the pattern and precept He has laid down in His holy Word. How is a young woman to be given in marriage? Does Scripture speak to these issues? If so, what does it say? Does it speak clearly, or merely with some vague admonitions?

We are looking for men who are willing to examine Scripture and write here 'what is written'. What pattern and precept they have found in Scripture; what pattern and precept challenges popular culture... or even what other Godly men are now doing.

We are also looking for men who, having examined what we have written here, examined and approved it in the light of Scripture, and decided to follow Scripture in this area; wish to 'sign up', and commit themselves in covenant to practice and teach what we are calling 'the covenant of betrothal'.

Scripture quotes should be from a literal translation (ie KJV, Geneva, etc.), an expanded or literal Bible (Amplified, Youngs, etc.), or, obviously, the Greek or Hebrew. All Scripture references should be footnoted as to chapter:verse, translation etc. where this is not made clear within the text. Paraphrases and 'dynamic' versions should not be quoted as Scripture. If they are used at all they should be given no more authority than a commentary and should only be used in the 'comments' or footnotes.

Wherever possible please footnote your work extensively. If you are discussing world trends or history then attempt to cite relevant web pages wherever possible, printed works where these are not available. When discussing theology please quote the 'pattern and precept' of Scripture with chapter and verse.

Again, welcome to the site. May God be glorified in all we do here[1].


**Note: One additional goal of this site is that of producing a book. By posting to this site you give up all rights to any material you post.**
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[1] I Peter 5:11, Gal 1:5, II Tim 4:18

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